God Knew

Tomorrow morning I will find out the results from a very important test I took three weeks ago.  It's a big deal because if I happen to pass, then I will be able to apply for teaching positions for this fall.  I honestly have no idea what to expect when I call in to get my score at 7:00 tomorrow.  All I know is that there is no human way possible that I could have passed.  This test is meant for students who have had four years of undergraduate courses in elementary education.  It's been four years now since I graduated from college... with a degree in German!  Unfortunately, all the knowledge from those years didn't come in very handy when preparing for or taking the Praxis, but I wouldn't trade them for anything.  I was (and still am) passionate about German but now I have new passions that I am so excited about pursuing. 

Tonight as we were praying and talking during our Thursday night Prayer Walk, I couldn't contain my joy and awe at what I'm seeing God do in lives.  I look back and I can't believe how far He's brought me in such a short time.  I remember sitting at the church I grew up in one Wednesday night about two years ago... the one I had attended since I was born, where I came to know Christ and was baptised, where I was known and loved and felt comfortable.... and I remember being sick of being comfortable.  I clearly remember bowing my head in the sanctuary and begging God to give me direction and purpose... and a clear ministry.  Ever since I had graduated from college, I felt like I was just wandering.  I was working at a good office job, was living in a neat townhouse, had just bought a brand new car... but I felt strongly that there was something so much more that God wanted for my life and yet I had no clue what that could be.  Looking back, I still get so amazed at how specifically and fully He answered that prayer!

Soon after I surrendered my will for my life into His hands, I was hired at an office in Van Buren.  After a few months of driving back and forth, I did something I swore I'd never do... I moved to the River Valley.  It was so clearly what God had in store for my life that it took away a lot of the pain of moving away from Mom and Dad... and it was exciting to be back in the same town as Catherine (after she got married and moved away, it felt like half of me was missing)!  So, here I was in Van Buren, feeling like I was right where God wanted me to be for the first time in a long time but I was still having a hard time surrendering to Him on one issue.  Ever since I first walked through the doors of Southside Baptist Church in Alma (a good three years prior to my prayer!), I knew it was a special place and that perhaps one day God would allow me to be a part of that body.  But here I was, God had so clearly placed me in this area, had drawn me closer to Him than I'd ever been and had just blessed me greatly, and I was still so stubborn!  I visited Southside often after I moved (more often than not I'd attend church there instead of driving back to Calvary) but I still could not bring myself to join... my heart was in agony and was breaking over having to make this decision.  To walk that aisle and tell Bro. Phil that I was finally ready to join was the toughest, most emotional thing I've experienced.  It required a MIGHTY move of the Holy Spirit to move me out of my seat and to get my feet in motion.  Even though I deeply desired to be a member of this body that I had fallen in love with years earlier and felt like it was what God was calling me to do, my heart hurt so badly at leaving behind the only other church family I'd known.  I felt like I was letting down my Dad, Mom and Grandma... But the only time I've felt a greater peace than the moment I surrendered to His calling to become a member of Southside was the day I felt called to accept His gift of salvation.  It was a great feeling and without a doubt, the right decision. 

I still can't believe that He called me to this town, to this church, to these people.  It's been about eighteen months since I joined Southside and in that time I can't even recognize the girl He's changed me into.  The doors that He has opened to allow me to work with the greatest group of children in the world, to be able to show them His love... it has literally changed my life and brought me to the place I am today.... heading back to school so that I can learn how to better minister to their lives and the lives of other children.  Before coming to Southside, I'd never really worked with kids.  I had helped out a little with the various children's ministries at Calvary but not on a regular basis.  The only kids I'd ever really developed a relationship with were my nephew and niece.  I have always loved the thought of children but previous to the past couple of years I'd had no experience working with them.  I love my nephew and niece with all my heart and am so thankful that through them God revealed my passion for children.  But that was natural... they made me an Aunt. They are family. Before Southside, I thought that maybe I could only have that love and interaction with children with whom I have a family connection.  God quickly showed me otherwise!  From the first night I stepped in to help Catherine and the other ladies with the children on Wednesday night, I was in love with every single one of them!  They have taught me so much about myself, about what God has planned for my future, and about life in general.  They are my passion.  They are the ones I lie awake at night crying and praying over.  They are the ones I antagonize over how to best show them Christ's love.  They are the ones that literally break my heart when they move away.  And they are the ones that God has used to direct me to this new adventure in my life.

When I started helping, it was just as an extra hand.  I got to know the kids by making sure they paid attention, playing games with them, and just trying to show them God's love.  It was the first time in my life I'd been around children on a regular basis and it brought me unexplainable joy.  It wasn't until last summer when Catherine and I felt like God was leading her to spend a season in Sunday School with her husband and for me to spend a season teaching her Junior Sunday School Class.  I'd never taught a lesson in my life and God has brought me far since those first few weeks.  Pretty soon, I fell in love, not only with my kids, but with the idea of teaching as well.  I loved seeing them learn about God and putting this knowledge into action.  At the same time, things were going downhill at my job.  I'd actually taken a new job because the one I had moved down here for had taken a nasty turn and God had provided something else to allow me to escape that for a time.  He has been so gracious to me!!  Anyways, towards the middle to late summer, I found myself jobless but yet so happy about all that God was doing in my life.  I'd never felt more in the center of His will, so I knew that He would provide something.  He did... it was unexpectedly back at my original job.  But it was that summer, as I felt like the current career path I was on was not something I loved... or really even liked... I started to investigate other possibilities.  Someone at church casually mentioned a program they'd heard about through UCA where you could get your Master's in Arts and Teaching while continuing to work full time as long as you had a Bachelor's degree in any subject.  Wow!  I had no idea anything like that existed but it sounded perfect for me.  I prayed about it, took the entrance exam I needed (sometime I'll share the crazy story about how I thought I failed it but had actually passed and didn't realize that for about a month), and started to get my paperwork ready.   Well, just like I had a hard time following God's direction in joining Southside, I had a hard time following His direction in this too.  I did not doubt that it was His plan but I was scared to death (still am, in fact. Just learning to trust His plan!).  So months went by until I actually followed through on submitting my application.  I have no idea why I waited so long, but it took things getting pretty bad at work again to make me do it.  Funny what God uses to get us to pay attention!  I hope I'm learning a lot better and a lot quicker after being dumb for so long!

So, now you know a bit of the back story of what led me to this moment.  If you'd asked me after I'd prayed that prayer what I thought my life might look like two years later, I would have probably said something like, "Well, I hope God brings me a husband that I can serve alongside right here at Calvary."  I'm so happy He has changed those desires into something greater than anything I could ever ask or imagine.  Even though I had no clue what my future might look like, God knew.  It's incredible.  That's why I know that if for some reason I hear a passing score over the telephone, it will not be because of anything I've done, but it will be because He is good and He has a plan!  And if I hear a failing score, I will know that He will give me another opportunity and the guidance and knowledge I need to eventually do better.  See, He's helping me get better at this trust thing, one day at a time!